Matchmaker Mayhem
by Beloved Dawn
Summary: Crazy friends can come up with the weirdest schemes, but forcing Amy to play matchmaker shouldn't be one of them. It's really hard to stay innocent when you hang around with this group. SD, though they're not actually in it. No Zoi.


"All right, is everyone here?" Raye glanced around furtively. Everyone was settling down around her at the table in the arcade's back room. Furtively.

"Present and accounted for, Mon Capitano! Even Ames!" Okay, strike that. There was nothing furtive about Mina.

A sigh greeted that statement. "It's Mon Capitan, Mina. And I'm only here because you're holding my textbook hostage. I don't even know what we're supposed to be doing here." The last was clearly an entreaty to be enlightened, should that be capable around her friends.

No luck there.

"What do you _think_ this meeting's about?" Raye glared at the unoffending genius. "We're hooking up Serena and Darien! And its bout time too!" The maniacal gleam in her eyes warned Amy not to interrupt. "It's obvious they're meant to be! Just look at the jealousy! Remember how touchy Darien was during Sere's relationship with Alan? And the fight provoked by the stalking incident with whatzisname, Damon or whoever? Not to mention the media scandal when male model Darien Shields publicly expressed his disdain of Seiya Kou, rock star?"

Amy didn't think now was the time to explain the difference between boy-band pop and rock. They probably wouldn't believe it coming from her anyways.

"Not to mention the jealous fits _she_ threw over that redheaded cow (don't know what he ever saw in her), the policewoman-in-training, that clingy, creepy dark haired girl, and even that boy that wouldn't leave him alone!"

_And over you. Those were the worst ones by far!_ Yet another comment immediately smothered by good sense.

"It was so touchingly beautiful" Spoke up a previously silent member of the group, sighing longingly and staring misty-eyed at nothing.

And the romantic wasn't even Lita.

"Just think, every insult was a veiled confession. Every klutz, crybaby, jerk, and ass corresponded with a heartfelt endearment, meshing into the captivating, unheard, softer side of the daily arguments. It's enough to get any cynic to believe in true love."

Until this moment, Amy had never considered hanging out with Andrew to be a diabetes risk factor.

"Soooo true. Those longing glances, those haunted eyes… My heart bleeds for them, truly."

The addition to Mina to saccharine was enough that even Raye was looking nauseous. Amy had already hidden her face in her hands and was contemplating the merits of beer versus wine. Normally she didn't approve of drinking, but erasing this night had caused Survival to strangle Respectability into submission.

"Anyways, on with the planning!" Raye semi-rescued the poor blunette. She was sure she didn't want to hear this…

"What have we tried already?"

"Flat tires." Mina chirped.

"Subliminal messages." Andrew added.

"Anonymous Valentines."

"Sly hinting."

"Mistletoe."

"Masquerades."

"Video game tournaments."

"Initiating bets."

"Stranding them together."

"Doctor-patient."

"The beach."

"Staged a robbery."

"Tutoring."

"Radio requests."

Amy was truly shocked. She'd heard of the turnout of most of these from an increasingly irate Serena. She had no idea that her obviously obsessed and sexually frustrated friends had contrived all of this. And she had a sinking feeling she knew _why_ they had abducted her to this meeting…

Raye, fast becoming the Angel of Doom in Amy's eyes, turned to her. "This is why you're here. You're smart. Do something."

Because, of course, math and science had _oh so much_ to do with love. Right.

Though, it did appear all of _her_ problems could be solved with the correct application of aphrodisiacs…

_No! Bad Amy! No distracting brain-dead friends with aphrodisiacs! Bad!_

Logic was pointing out that it would deal with Serena and Darien's headache-inducing sexual tension…

_No! No no no! Bad thoughts! Behave!_

As Logic worked a brilliant distraction, Survival snuck up on Propriety with the intent to cow it into submission, and Amy wryly observed that her friends were obviously rubbing off on her a little much.

Three pairs of not quite sane eyes watched her with bated breath. Mina and Andrew were actually starting to turn blue. Raye was at least sensible enough to remember to breathe.

Amy was saved from having to make a choice by the excited entrance of Lita.

"You guys will never guess what just happened!"

"Oooh, I love guessing games! Did you see a fairy?"

"Shut it, Mina! What happened? You were supposed to be tonight's Serena-decoy." Raye glared at the taller girl, obviously unhappy with the shirking of duty.

"I don't need to. Serena's plenty distracted." There was no mistaking the smug look on Lita's face. Something interesting and gossip worthy had just happened.

Raye obviously noticed the look as well. "Go on…"

"Well, when I arrived, Serena and Darien were deep in an argument…"

"As usual."

"Hush! I'm talking! Anyways, they didn't even notice me, it was that intense. Then, Darien, responding to a comment I didn't catch, said that he'd had plenty of girlfriends, and definitely more experience at kissing than her."

"Oooh, exciting!"

"Quiet Mina! Anyways, she responds that it must not have done him much good, considering how quickly that red-headed world karate champ had gotten bored of him. You know, the one who was always going on about warrior's pride, and what not?"

"Ouch! Below the belt by any guy's standard."

"You'd know better than any of us about that, Andrew. I never did like her, by the way. She was a bit of a bitch."

"More than a bit. And she had that almost creepy love of gold coloured clothes."

"And her hair was a crime."

"Ladies!" Yeesh, Lita could thunder when she wanted to. "_IF _I may continue?" She took the silence as an affirmative. "Anyways, Darien obviously agreed with Andrew, as he got this dangerous look on his face and hauled her into his arms, muttering something about showing her. Then he kissed her, right mid-shriek."

"Wow." The company sat around stunned for a moment, before Andrew ventured an opinion.

"How did she react?"

With that Lita burst into the biggest Cheshire grin they'd ever seen on her before. "Well, when I left they were trying to sort out how to get his shirt off without either breaking the kiss or removing their hands from each others bodies. If they're lucky, they'll think to move to his place before desecrating the fountain at the park."

Silence greeted this revelation for a moment.

But only for a moment.

Mina and Andrew shrieked like little schoolgirls, while inventing a new type of crazy jig. Raye and Lita hugged crushingly, hopping up and down to a chorus of "We did it!"

Amy hid under the table, promising herself tequila as soon as she could leave. Her window overlooked said park fountain.


End file.
